Grief

[lacysky23]

So, for the better part of the past 2 years maybe, Michele's dad has been battling leukemia. Cancer. I have grown to cringe at that word every time I hear it. I have been down this road with my own dad as you know. I watched him go through the chemo, the set backs, and the inevitability of death. Thankfully, pneumonia and the flu claimed him before the cancer spread deeper into his brain that would have taken a lot of my dad's dignity away from him. We were blessed in that regard, I accepted it and have been since, grieving his loss and missing him daily. Because I have been there and I know what she is going through, I have done my best to be there for Michele to help her get through it as well. Hell, even if my dad hadn't gone through it, I would still be there for her now. It was like slowly reliving waiting for that countdown to the days when the inevitable would come, only not for myself, but for her. It arrived about 3 days ago, when her dad started having difficulty breathing, loss feelings in his legs and lost his bowels on the way to the hospital. The doctor called and said the only thing keeping him alive was blood transfusions and that they would have to move him to palliative care because hospice could not give blood at home. Today, Michele called on the way to the hospital to let me know that the doctors are going to stop giving him blood and just do what they can to keep him comfortable. Michele is feeling devastated and I fucking feel her pain as if it is my own. I have been crying off and on today for a man that is not even my own blood or that I have little connection to other than his daughter is like a sister to me. Michele talking about the possibility of her dad not making it through the night, going for final visits, just put me back in the hospital room with my dad on his last day and just caught me up in that grief for my own dad's passing, I think. I told Michele if she had the opportunity to sit alone with her dad, to take it, demand it, and talk to him. To say all the important things she needed to say to him if she has the opportunity. To have that closure with him and say goodbye and I love you. I was blessed to be able to have that opportunity with my dad and I hope she will also. Fortunately, he is still lucid and aware of his loved ones around him. But, I am also worried more about what will happen after he passes. I worry for Michele and what this will do to her mentally and emotionally. Michele has a shitty support system of a family and she will be the one who deals with all the aftermath, taking care of everyone but herself. I was lucky after my dad died. My brothers took care of all the arrangements and I just had to show up and take care of mom. My in-laws came to the funeral and the graveside and stood beside Skyler, while I sat with Ramona and my nephew. I had support to get through it from my family, but I know it will not be the same for Michele and my heart breaks for her in that respect. Hell my heart breaks just for her loss as it is right now. I want to be there for her and to support her and help her in anyway I can. Her crazy ass just tells me "get the fifth ready girl" and I respond with "what do you want that fifth to be?" and she says "fireball". I told her I would have it ready for her when the dust settled and she let me know when. The flip side to all of this is that I can barely talk to her without breaking into tears as we talk. I don't know if I am crying for her as I know she won't cry herself around others but me, or if I am crying out my own grief from my dad's loss. I am struggling to keep from crying as we talk when hell she isn't even crying or having that break in her voice. I can't seem to stop the tears even when I we aren't talking. Like right now, at 3:16 a.m. in the morning, I want to call her and check on her and her dad. I feel like I am taking something away from Michele because this is about her and what her family is going through, not me, I have had my time of this.

4:07 am. No sooner had I typed my last sentence, at 3:16 a.m., my phone rang. It was Michele. She text me asking if I was awake. She was on her way to Greenville, because she got a call from her mom who was alone with her dad and mom was breaking. Michele was driving to the hospital and texting to let me know what was up. I immediately called her and we just talked. We talked while she drove to Greenville, I didn't want her to be alone on the road driving to the inevitable. Her mom called several times during the drive, and the last call, well, I think you know what that was. Michele called me back in tears, saying she had to go, she had arrived at the hospital and she said her mom told her she (mom) didn't think her dad was still alive, so Michele was rushing into the hospital and disconnecting with me. I'm just glad that she made it to the hospital before that last call came through and she wasn't driving. I sent Michele a text letting her know I would stay awake for a bit so that if she needed to call me I would be available. I feel her loss as if it were my own. IT is ripping through my heart as I type this shit out. I want to scream as loud as I possibly can, because I know she won't. But its not my time to do that anymore. It's hers and damn if I'm not going to encourage her to scream out her lungs if she needs too. I guess I will be going to by that 5th of Fireball today after all. Yes, I know I should wait for confirmation of actual death before I get ahead of myself, but I just know that if it hasn't happened by now, it won't be much longer than the next few hours.