The ever elusive quest to...

Sleeping. It has been something I have struggled with for a very long time. It feels elusive most nights. I need to take an observable sleep test, but insurance issues are on hold. The home sleep study I did was indeterminate as to the issue. As projected circadian sleep disorder was correct and mine is in alignment with my sleep hours being in the morning hours..about 6-8 hours off from 'normal' sleep times. I guess over the years, I think it began developing in high school, when I would work late and then come home and study and just manifested as I went through college. I always feel more cognizant in the later part of the day and into night. More awake and aware. Then, too though, I was always on a schedule. Even after college, there was a schedule.. going into work at 7am, etc. I just remember never feeling like I slept enough, getting at most 4-5 hours a night if I was lucky, because I had established 12-2 as my falling asleep time. Getting married to someone who snored horribly did not help the matter either because at some point he started the whole stop breathing thing that would scare the fuck out of me, then I had a kid..good bye sleep for the first year and hello 530 am wakeup every day. But at least there was a schedule. Finally alone and a few years later, I became my own worst enemy. Increased depression symptoms and overzealous anxiety and responsibilities started keeping me awake at night. When there was no job in 2011 and depression was my best friend,my schedule became even more atrocious. I stayed up at night and slept while skyler was in school. Then I started back school and it got a little better and then no schedule during the summers would throw me right back into the sleeping later patterns. Then school for sky would start back and back on my routine of sleeping 3-4 hours a night. This has been my relative cycle for all of Skyler's school years until March 2020. I have shifter back to later mornings and later nights. Tuesday, I woke up around 1 in the afternoon after going to bed around 9:30 am Tuesday morning. I didn't go back to sleep until 11:30 am Wednesday morning. I slept for 3 hours and still did not go to sleep last night until 1:30-2:00 am. I woke up this morning at 10 am. Sometimes iI get lost in a book, or a movie. I listen to damn forensic files narrator talk about murder to fall asleep to,because I have seen them all, but my back is turned from the tv. I can't fall asleep to dead silence. Last night it was a little bit of alcohol, enough to relax, and still he effectively coherent, and Native American flute music that did the job. Even only going on 3 hours of sleep in 24 hours will not put me out. I have tried so many different methods of trying to close or shut down my mind, it's laughable. I count to any number I can reach, I sign numbers, I sign the alphabet as I repeat them in my head, I do deep breathing, listen to soothing music, or narrative type shows... Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. I take benedryl to help put me on the edge of drowsiness, but it usually ends up being fruitless. Do you know that there are oftentimes I feel so much jealousy towards my own son because that boy can be out the minute his head hits the pillow?? How sad is that. I have tried the doctors advice to shift my sleep time and not take naps in the afternoons, etc, but with the fatigue I experience from the RA, I just fucking doze off. On the off chance I make it 9 and fall asleep, I 9x out of 10 wakeup between 2-3 in the a.m. and can't go back to sleep and then fall right back into staying awake til the next morning some 24 hours later??
I am exhausted even when I do more than talk to my clients and that is it. I am at a loss on finding my sleep pattern without a structured schedule to help and working from home had made it 10x order since my work day doesn't start until 1 pm and I don't have to go anywhere to do it but my bedroom. I would like to be able to get a decent night sleep and not stay stuck in my head all the damn time when I should be sleeping. I am so far beyond being open to suggestions...anything would welcomed.