Just stuff..

The past couple of days have been emotional for me both in god ways and bad ways. Last week, I had mentioned to sky about maybe seeing if the inlaws wanted to do a joint eat in for his birthday this past Saturday. He was like sure; but a few days before his birthday, Nadine called and asked if he could go over there for his birthday to do lunch with the fam and that is dad would be there. Sky said he wanted to go. I broke down in tears when he left my room. Why? Because all of a sudden I was hurt that sky would be spending his birthday with his dad and grandparents and not me. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now his fucking birthday was going to his dad. Where has his dad been the past 9 months? No visits (yes, very understandable with covid and him being 2 hours away) but no excuse for him not even picking up the phone to talk to him. And he has gotten all the "special days" with my son. Ignored him in favor of his niece on Christmas day. It just fucking hurt inside. Sky caught on that something was bothering me and asked about it. I didn't lie to him. I told him I was upset and hurt about him going to the inlaws for his birthday and that it was his dad who would be there and not me. Sky just looked at me and said mom, I don't give a shit about my birthday, it's not an important day to me. So what if dad will be there. All the other days that aren't "special days" that I spend with you are more important me that those special days. I cried even harder after that. I just felt really fucking blessed and loved by that statement.

Then mom called yesterday. She talked to sky to wish him a happy birthday and then she broke down in tears. I talked to her for a bit. There was no following the conversation with her as she wove the past and the present together talking about her grandmother and recent visits to her in middlesex. It broke my heart. I felt this overwhelming battle between heartbreak for the loss of concept of reality as it clashes with my own anger and pain of my past with her. I realize when I distance myself I feel like I'm dealing with that shit better and letting it go, and then when I intermingle with her, its like I throw myself right back into the hurt and pain and anger and I relapse all over again. Had a conversation with my clinical supervisor today and we talked about it in great detail. I realized that almost everytime I am engaged with mom on any level, I experience 3 criteria for PTSD. 1. Intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.
2. Marked physiological reaction to ex and internal cues .....
3. Persistence avoidance of the events (emotions, thoughts) and external reminders...
I thought I was working through it and moving past it, but I was lying to myself without even being aware of it on this level. I spoke a truth today that I have been burying deep because it is just so inherently amoral to even think it and that was admitting to my CS that I often pray for a phone call from my brother telling me mom is gone. It's would be a blessing for her to end her ongoing misery and a selfish one on my behalf for it to all end. My brother shared the same sentiment with me when I talked to him about it. At least I know I am not the only one who feels that way. And it's not a spiteful wish for her to pass and go be with my dad. It's more of like a feeling of it being a mercy for her. For me, it would end the ever ending cycle of hurting her every time I talked to her. It's really scary to sit here and admit that out loud and not feel some type of way about it. I'm trying to own it in honesty but it's hard to do. So, I have been dealing with a lot of emotional hiccups that default me thinking I'm doing okay. It makes me even more aware that I'm not really dealing with certain things that I thought I was okay with or had worked out on some level. Where as I thought I was practicing awareness of my internal self, I realized I was actually just in denial about my feelings about a few topics. Yeah, I am aware of my feelings toward mom on a very keen note, but I thought I was dealing with it and in reality I haven't been. The whole Jay issue, yeah, that was a blindsider, lol. Thank God my kid is a lot fucking smarter than I am. He had some of his own emotional breakthroughs related to dad. Byproduct maybe, but, I was really proud of him. Sighs.. alot of verbal diarrhea tonight, but you did ask me to start getting shit out of my head and into black and white, right? So, it's a start. I have to figure out how to let this shit with my mom work its way out and deal with it in reality instead of being in denial when I have such a strong reaction to the simple phrase, I am coming home to you. That is all it takes to spin me out of mental stability for days.