New beginnings

[lacysky23]

So, getting started back on a journey that you have been absent from is a frightening concept, to be totally honest. I have been thinking about the past a lot lately, as you know, and in all truthfulness, there are some things I wish I had made a different decision or a smarter one, perhaps, but then I chastise myself, because I know that if I had any other decision, I wouldn't be in the same place I am at this very moment. Logically, I know I shouldn't have any regrets, what's done is done, there is nothing I can do to change what happened in the past, except acknowledge the pains, joys and all the emotions they provoked and move forward and work hard on not making the same mistakes in the future. However, there are some patterns that I am becoming painfully aware of that tells me I am still making the same mistakes over and over. As a parent, that is all about trial and error and in this area, I feel like that is one in which I have exceeded in learning from my mistakes and make better choices as needed. When my son tells me I am the best mom for him, that cinches it for me, because my kid, thankfully, tells me like it is, no bullshit, no filter. He is one of the few people that I am completely upfront and honest with on all accounts. He knows things he really shouldn't know, but I have always had a problem with being a hypocrite to my own son. I just can't do it. As a friend, I have my good and bad days. When I have my bad days, I do my best to make up for them to whoever I have hurt or pulled away from. I work hard to do better the next day. That's one of those areas in my life that I'm grateful to the people who love me unconditionally and are there for me and work hard to return what is given. So where is the pattern of 'oh crap'? Work. Since I left DSS, which, might I briefly add here was the BEST decision I ever made, I feel like I have walked myself into some of the shittiest places to work. The pay has barely been equitable to surviving and having a roof over my head and the places I end up have some equivalence to being shady as fuck. Unethical hardly describes some of it. But I walk in and dig in and focus solely on providing the best services I can for each and every client I work with. I be the best damn therapist I can be for them, maybe more so than I should give, but let's be honest, that is just who I am when helping others. I have the tendency to have an issue with walking away by choice, even when theoretically, it is in MY best interest to do so. Yes,I know it also links to my issues with my current abandonment issues, but sometimes it is more than that. I am a fucking doormat and I have a hard time selling myself for the pay I am definitely fucking worth and knowing my own value. This is something I definitely have to work on, speaking up and demanding more when I give more than what I am being paid to do. Not with my clients, but my agency and their warped idea of how to do shit. I get frozen when I think I of changing to another job. The adjustments I will have to make, the clients I will lose, the ones who have trusted me with their stories. That is hardest to let go of. Unfortunately, I am a crossroads that I am not ready to be at just yet, but circumstances are beyond my control, but I have to adapt to these circumstances as quickly as I can because the consequences of waiting will be worse if I do that, wait. But at least I have the knowledge I need to make a decision that I have been putting off for far to long. I have to become more proactive and put myself back out there. I'm dreading it, to say the least. But the situation has changed and the time table has been bumped up dramatically and it's forcingmy hands to make decisions I have done my best to delay. The positive aspect of this is simple, when pushed into a corner, or forced to make a decision, it makes it easier to make.

Comments

[grim23]

“Life is about choices. Some we regret, some we’re proud of. Some will haunt us forever. The message: we are what we chose to be.” — Graham Brown

[lacysky23]

Where the hell do you pull these damn quotes from?? 😂

[grim23]

My reading. *laughs*

[lacysky23]

Bahaha!! Your recall scares me...

[grim23]

I usually recall the context of the quote and check to make sure I have the right author and the right phrasing. About half of the time I get it right. *grin*

[lacysky23]

So, Zen and The Way of the Sword needs to be added to the list, Sempai? *Grins*

[grim23]

Eventually. Read the books I've already suggested, first. *smile*