I'm really kinda proud of myself a little this morning. I called and got an appt scheduled with a new RA doctor and I also called to get an appointment set up with a mental health provider to discuss medications for anxiety and depression (more so with the anxiety). She is one that I have worked with before with my mom and she was really awesome with her. I also have my annual physical scheduled for the 29th of this month. Going to specifically ask them to check my heart while I am there since she is new to me as well. I miss my old dr. But unfortunately,he is in Raleigh now. Will see how new one works out, but if I don't like her, I will definitely be going to Raleigh to see my old dr, he is definitely worth the drive to Raleigh (you know how much I hate to drive in Raleigh)!

Work is going well,I am staying extremely busy and I am starting to feel the wear and tear without my RA being manage with RX meds. It's still manageable, but my fatigue is catching up to me more and more. I continue to feel comfortable with my supervisor and speak candidly about issues I Amy be struggling with and feel acceptance and understanding vs demeaned and belittled for feeling overwhelmed at times when I have gotten a little behind on some of the paperwork (CCAs because I am getting slammed back to back each week with 4-5). My six month review is coming up in less than 2 months and I will finally be able to apply for my LCSW license!!!

Other updated news, I got a new car this past weekend for me to drive while Skyler will take over driving my current car. He is getting his license finally on August 2nd and will start driving himself to school and won't have to rely on me or grandparents to pick him up from school. It also affords him the opportunity to seek employment and be able to get himself there without needing to schedule around my work schedule. It's giving him independence in some small way and I am really proud of the fact that I am able to do that without any support from anyone else. Skyler will be a graduating senior this year and I am so excited for him to be in final year of school. He did really well this past year with taking on more responsibility for his learning without me having to intervene because he was getting behind or not turning in work. I was super proud of him!

Things feel like they are in an upward swing and I am gradually digging out of what feels like the darkest hole I have been in for the past several years. Today is the 5 year anniversary of Chris's passing and I feel a little emotional because I wish he were here to see where I am now because he always believed in me getting here one day. I miss him a lot but feel so much more when I think about him tha I do the bad memories.

So, yesterday was my tear jerker day, but it ended on an amazing note. As previously stated, saying goodbye is the hardest part of moving on for me. One of kids said I don't want to say goodbye, but instead, see ya later. I was like I can roll with that. I had so many of my parents tell me how much of a difference they have seen in their kids since they started working with me and it pierced my heart that I am so definitely on the right path of being a counselor. Today only reaffirmed the pa of my career (DSS days) when I crossed paths with one of my old cases. I took jordan for her outpatient surgery today and one of the nurses came in and she caught my attention as knowing her (I thought she was my cousin actually) but I didn't call out on it once I realized it wasn't my cousin. After the first nurse left, she turns to me before she leaves and ask "do you still work at DSS?" And I respond with no and she looks at me and said good. Then she ask if I remember her and I admitted she reminded me of my cousin. She said do you remember J and T and immediately it clicked. I was her foster care caseworker that helped her adopt her two sons, one of which was in several of skyler's classes from more at 4 through 5th grade. I was stunned. She turned to Jordan and starts telling Jordan how I helped her adopt he son's and I laughed because I was like Jordan was there to in the court part of it. We updated each other on the kids and then she left. Before Jordan was being checked out she share the story with her coworker who was going through a similar situation with her grandchild and Jordan and I just sat there talking to her and giving her some suggestions and wishing her well. My old mom looks at me and says I will never forget you, you are imprinted on my heart and will always be a part of our family. I cried 😭😭😭😭. I was so touched by her words and meanings. It just reaffirmed that I really am making a difference in Someone's life in the job I am doing. I was truly humbled today by that experience.

So,yesterday was a clusterfuck at work. I had a new client that "slipped through the cracks" with another coworker. He is the questionable guy that we are all still trying to figure out what he has on our boss for him to keep a job kinda guy. Anyway, I spoke with parent only to find out he is seeing someone for medication management and after thoroughly explaining services, she identifies that she is also receiving out patient therapy services with the same company. She chose to stay with current services, so I will be doing a discharge. Notify the office, and then I get a call from said jackass asking me all these damn questions about why parent didn't say something previously etc... And I am like I don't know jackass, I spoke to mom for 10 minutes and you completed and entire assessment on him on 12/4. Where is his PCP and when was the last time YOU spoke to him? A month ago? Wasn't he your client anyway? Came at me like it was my fault this kid wasn't receiving services. He was pissed because he completed the PCP that day and then was told he was being discharged. I truly don't hate people, but he has become my exception to the rule with each passing interaction I have with him. Yes, it's unprofessional, I know, but damn it, the gall of this jackass knows no bounds. Bright side work related, I did a training today on clinical documentation. It was pretty insightful and very useful to me in knowing the best practices for documenting. Very glad I took it.

So, our last phone conversation really threw me for a loop. I know I haven't written about it for follow up but there was a reason why. I processed what you said and part of me agreed with it and the other part dismissed it ever happening because of the longevity of my friendship with Michele. I took what you said to heart and and knew there was no reasoning to find that made it true or not true. I do become Michele's therapist in those moments when she is lost and ask me what she should do. I can't deny it. It's pattern is obvious to me now. I chose not to beret myself with guilt or question the quality of my friendship with her, because I already know the answer to that. I chose not to get caught up in overthinking the situation at all to be honest. After we talked and the situation became apart of my awareness, I knew had to work on not being her therapist and start listening as a friend. I even asked jordan to remind me if I get caught up talking about Michele's problems with her for her to remind me I am not Michele's therapist. I left it at that. I tried even harder not to overthink it and over analyze it at all. Which is huge for me. I haven't thought about it since then to be honest. I haven't focused all my energy on Michele since then either. I have let her reach out to me when she wanted to talk. She went a week. I was pleasantly surprised and grateful. We talked today. I listened and joked with her about her ex crazy and not once said I think you should do this if... It was nice.

This has not been the best week or weekend for sleep. Somewhere along the line, I fell asleep way earlier than I normally do, because I wasn't feeling the best (sinus issues) and woke up early in the a.m. like 1:30ish 2 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep until late morning, but was up by 11a.m. Pattern has been persistent the last few nights. Along side dealing with another medical issue that is painfully uncomfortable and not something I have dealt with to this extreme in almost 8-9 years. I just want to crawl back under my covers and hide for a week and never come out. Yet there is no comfort in that solution either. Lol. Oh well..soak in a tub would be ideal, but I don't have one. Yes, this is my 10 minute pity party, because in the next, I have to get dressed and go see my CS today. That willake me feel better. She is freaking awesome. She doesn't make it feel like work. Lol. Yes, I don't know why I'm posting this rant, I guess because ita I'm trying to get this negativity I feel out my head? Maybe. I am feeling a lot of frustration and agitation and even a little, if not, bitchy. Yeah, sleep deprivation...my best enemy to blame it on.

yes, it is hard to be a support to others. You are my support. But, I have a plan. Regarding Michele, I am keeping a spacial distance and resisting the urge to call her multiple times to see if she is ok. I set a boundary (for myself) of letting her call me when and if she needs me during the day time and allowing myself to reach out to here in the evenings between 8-10 pm to check on her if she doesn't call me during the day. I fear I would overwhelm her if I called her repetitively to ask "how are you?" In talking with CS,I realized that when my tribe is going through some emotional shit, I take it in as my own and get lost in their emotions, forgetting my own emotions. I can't separate the two. I'm working on it. The plan is step one. I have been working on separating my grief from Michele's. I have been doing better with it the past 2 days. Plan 2 - mom. I am going to start sending her cards. Or drop little things off at the nursing home for her to give her some kind of connection to me, but on my own terms. Thank you CS for that idea. That way I can provide her some support without it destroying my own self in the process. There is my plan for those situations and how to emotionally manage the fallout or prevent an emotional fallout. Thoughts??? Suggestions??

So, for the better part of the past 2 years maybe, Michele's dad has been battling leukemia. Cancer. I have grown to cringe at that word every time I hear it. I have been down this road with my own dad as you know. I watched him go through the chemo, the set backs, and the inevitability of death. Thankfully, pneumonia and the flu claimed him before the cancer spread deeper into his brain that would have taken a lot of my dad's dignity away from him. We were blessed in that regard, I accepted it and have been since, grieving his loss and missing him daily. Because I have been there and I know what she is going through, I have done my best to be there for Michele to help her get through it as well. Hell, even if my dad hadn't gone through it, I would still be there for her now. It was like slowly reliving waiting for that countdown to the days when the inevitable would come, only not for myself, but for her. It arrived about 3 days ago, when her dad started having difficulty breathing, loss feelings in his legs and lost his bowels on the way to the hospital. The doctor called and said the only thing keeping him alive was blood transfusions and that they would have to move him to palliative care because hospice could not give blood at home. Today, Michele called on the way to the hospital to let me know that the doctors are going to stop giving him blood and just do what they can to keep him comfortable. Michele is feeling devastated and I fucking feel her pain as if it is my own. I have been crying off and on today for a man that is not even my own blood or that I have little connection to other than his daughter is like a sister to me. Michele talking about the possibility of her dad not making it through the night, going for final visits, just put me back in the hospital room with my dad on his last day and just caught me up in that grief for my own dad's passing, I think. I told Michele if she had the opportunity to sit alone with her dad, to take it, demand it, and talk to him. To say all the important things she needed to say to him if she has the opportunity. To have that closure with him and say goodbye and I love you. I was blessed to be able to have that opportunity with my dad and I hope she will also. Fortunately, he is still lucid and aware of his loved ones around him. But, I am also worried more about what will happen after he passes. I worry for Michele and what this will do to her mentally and emotionally. Michele has a shitty support system of a family and she will be the one who deals with all the aftermath, taking care of everyone but herself. I was lucky after my dad died. My brothers took care of all the arrangements and I just had to show up and take care of mom. My in-laws came to the funeral and the graveside and stood beside Skyler, while I sat with Ramona and my nephew. I had support to get through it from my family, but I know it will not be the same for Michele and my heart breaks for her in that respect. Hell my heart breaks just for her loss as it is right now. I want to be there for her and to support her and help her in anyway I can. Her crazy ass just tells me "get the fifth ready girl" and I respond with "what do you want that fifth to be?" and she says "fireball". I told her I would have it ready for her when the dust settled and she let me know when. The flip side to all of this is that I can barely talk to her without breaking into tears as we talk. I don't know if I am crying for her as I know she won't cry herself around others but me, or if I am crying out my own grief from my dad's loss. I am struggling to keep from crying as we talk when hell she isn't even crying or having that break in her voice. I can't seem to stop the tears even when I we aren't talking. Like right now, at 3:16 a.m. in the morning, I want to call her and check on her and her dad. I feel like I am taking something away from Michele because this is about her and what her family is going through, not me, I have had my time of this.

4:07 am. No sooner had I typed my last sentence, at 3:16 a.m., my phone rang. It was Michele. She text me asking if I was awake. She was on her way to Greenville, because she got a call from her mom who was alone with her dad and mom was breaking. Michele was driving to the hospital and texting to let me know what was up. I immediately called her and we just talked. We talked while she drove to Greenville, I didn't want her to be alone on the road driving to the inevitable. Her mom called several times during the drive, and the last call, well, I think you know what that was. Michele called me back in tears, saying she had to go, she had arrived at the hospital and she said her mom told her she (mom) didn't think her dad was still alive, so Michele was rushing into the hospital and disconnecting with me. I'm just glad that she made it to the hospital before that last call came through and she wasn't driving. I sent Michele a text letting her know I would stay awake for a bit so that if she needed to call me I would be available. I feel her loss as if it were my own. IT is ripping through my heart as I type this shit out. I want to scream as loud as I possibly can, because I know she won't. But its not my time to do that anymore. It's hers and damn if I'm not going to encourage her to scream out her lungs if she needs too. I guess I will be going to by that 5th of Fireball today after all. Yes, I know I should wait for confirmation of actual death before I get ahead of myself, but I just know that if it hasn't happened by now, it won't be much longer than the next few hours.

Sleeping. It has been something I have struggled with for a very long time. It feels elusive most nights. I need to take an observable sleep test, but insurance issues are on hold. The home sleep study I did was indeterminate as to the issue. As projected circadian sleep disorder was correct and mine is in alignment with my sleep hours being in the morning hours..about 6-8 hours off from 'normal' sleep times. I guess over the years, I think it began developing in high school, when I would work late and then come home and study and just manifested as I went through college. I always feel more cognizant in the later part of the day and into night. More awake and aware. Then, too though, I was always on a schedule. Even after college, there was a schedule.. going into work at 7am, etc. I just remember never feeling like I slept enough, getting at most 4-5 hours a night if I was lucky, because I had established 12-2 as my falling asleep time. Getting married to someone who snored horribly did not help the matter either because at some point he started the whole stop breathing thing that would scare the fuck out of me, then I had a kid..good bye sleep for the first year and hello 530 am wakeup every day. But at least there was a schedule. Finally alone and a few years later, I became my own worst enemy. Increased depression symptoms and overzealous anxiety and responsibilities started keeping me awake at night. When there was no job in 2011 and depression was my best friend,my schedule became even more atrocious. I stayed up at night and slept while skyler was in school. Then I started back school and it got a little better and then no schedule during the summers would throw me right back into the sleeping later patterns. Then school for sky would start back and back on my routine of sleeping 3-4 hours a night. This has been my relative cycle for all of Skyler's school years until March 2020. I have shifter back to later mornings and later nights. Tuesday, I woke up around 1 in the afternoon after going to bed around 9:30 am Tuesday morning. I didn't go back to sleep until 11:30 am Wednesday morning. I slept for 3 hours and still did not go to sleep last night until 1:30-2:00 am. I woke up this morning at 10 am. Sometimes iI get lost in a book, or a movie. I listen to damn forensic files narrator talk about murder to fall asleep to,because I have seen them all, but my back is turned from the tv. I can't fall asleep to dead silence. Last night it was a little bit of alcohol, enough to relax, and still he effectively coherent, and Native American flute music that did the job. Even only going on 3 hours of sleep in 24 hours will not put me out. I have tried so many different methods of trying to close or shut down my mind, it's laughable. I count to any number I can reach, I sign numbers, I sign the alphabet as I repeat them in my head, I do deep breathing, listen to soothing music, or narrative type shows... Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. I take benedryl to help put me on the edge of drowsiness, but it usually ends up being fruitless. Do you know that there are oftentimes I feel so much jealousy towards my own son because that boy can be out the minute his head hits the pillow?? How sad is that. I have tried the doctors advice to shift my sleep time and not take naps in the afternoons, etc, but with the fatigue I experience from the RA, I just fucking doze off. On the off chance I make it 9 and fall asleep, I 9x out of 10 wakeup between 2-3 in the a.m. and can't go back to sleep and then fall right back into staying awake til the next morning some 24 hours later??
I am exhausted even when I do more than talk to my clients and that is it. I am at a loss on finding my sleep pattern without a structured schedule to help and working from home had made it 10x order since my work day doesn't start until 1 pm and I don't have to go anywhere to do it but my bedroom. I would like to be able to get a decent night sleep and not stay stuck in my head all the damn time when I should be sleeping. I am so far beyond being open to suggestions...anything would welcomed.